Does Santa Smoke a Cigar or a Pipe?

Little Cigars

By: Alan King

There is a debate raging among cigar and pipe aficionados as to whether Santa smokes a cigar or a pipe. That's right--the world is being held in suspense over what the Man in Red prefers to smoke with. The debate has the country divided and the opposing parties are at odds grappling over the issue of pipe vs. cigar.
 
The pipe faction, encouraged by the poem "A Visit from Saint Nicholas" by Clement Moore, believes that Santa smokes "the stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, and the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath." The pro-pipe group remarks that Santa would be better off smoking a pipe. They submit the idea that if Santa were a cigar smoker, he would leave ashes and cigar butts in homes when he takes his breaks to eat all those cookies that are left out for him. They also insist that Santa stops for a cookie break every 3,000 miles, when he changes the reindeer harnesses and gives them some of the carrots that children leave out for them, and that he would have to leave at least some clues behind in the form of cigar ashes during these frequent stops.
 
The cigar faction reasons that Santa, being a practical yet sophisticated man, would definitely enjoy a good stogie. Imagine, they argue, the changing of reindeer harnesses while wielding a pipe! No, that image calls for a fine cigar like a Winston Churchill 10 or an Avo Domain 60. These are cigars designed for a workingman who is intent on getting the job done. Besides, they say, cigars are biodegradable and easy to stow away on a long sleigh ride.
 
My staff called the North Pole and interviewed elves that occupy key positions in Santa's workshop and warehouses, but the findings were inconclusive. The elves agreed that only Santa and Mrs. Claus know what he prefers, though they did allude to the fact that Mrs. Claus shops online for purveyors of fine cigars and pipes.
 
The debate was finally resolved by a council of retired senior elves and Santa's worldwide agents. They took a vote, and here was their conclusion: Santa smokes cigars while traveling the world south of Miami’s latitude point. Santa smokes pipes when he travels north, with a few exceptions: England, where he often smokes Churchill 10's, and California, where he smokes anything he darn well pleases. So have a jolly holiday! Oh, and leave out some carrots for the reindeer.

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